Unfortunately, my computer's hardware has finally kicked the bucket. What does this mean? It means that my computer is basically dead. Fortunately for me, a friend of mine has a system very similar to mine that i have been able to borrow for the last few days to get some things done on, so that i wouldn't end up loosing a whole lot of information and such that i had. However, it does mean that i will be offline for a good little bit. To make things even more interesting, i'll likely be losing my main email accounts, since i'll probably have to have my internet shut off if i can't get a replacement system within a couple of weeks, so.. lots of fun.

     Not too worried about it, though. I still have my gmail accounts, and i'll be using those, though not nearly as often, when i get the odd chance here and there to check in and see what's going on. Anyways... this system was supposed to go back Friday, but the girl changed her mind and let me keep it till Monday, so it'll be going back this afternoon. I have to do some work on it for her before it goes back, so i have to get some sleep soon, so i can get up and get that done before she comes over.

     Don't worry. If you need me, email or post a response or something and i'll get back as quick as i can, or get a phone card or something and give me a call... though i may be changing my number before long, not sure. Depends on if i can get my bill lowered or not. Take care, and i'll see ya all when i get back.

How do you explain a sadness so profound that it rips the very soul from a body to another? I don't know words powerful enough to describe what is buried deep inside me. I don't know how anyone could describe these kinds of feelings. To feel so empty that it seems as if you don't even exist in your own skin? Hollow pains of hurts too old to recall fully, aches to remind you of what you came from. Broken dreams, so nearly forgotten; I am left unsure as to who I even am. Do I exist? Is this hell? Was there ever a chance for me? So many questions, so few answers, and yet I am forced to continue day to day. A life I once hoped to lead, now only a remnant of someone who has long since died. That person you knew, exists no more. They've long sinced been silenced by a force more powerful than the self.

Any bit left, a tiny piece, but no, all that has become dust to dust. Ashes to ashes. Forever lost, forever forgotten to all. That spark of hope vanished, and I lost sight of me. The world around me faded to something cold and dark. I see emptiness all around me.

If there were a chance for me, would you stand near and help me through? I don't want to hurt you, any of you, but I must, I fear, if you try to get too close. Everything I wanted, now lies between me and the world, a shadow that darkens my eyes, keeping me from seeing any bit of light. Scraps, pieces, shredded remains; you cling to something I have lost the will to want, trying, praying, hoping to save me from a fate determined long ago. I walk toward it fearlessly, too broken now to even care. Please run away. Turn away, turn your back to me. Let me hear your silence as you reject me, maybe saving yourself from my fate. Let me go away, leave me here to die, and pray it passes you by. This pain, this hate; this thing that drives me mad.

Any bit left, any tiny piece, has long become ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Forever lost, forever forgotten to all. That fleeting hope has vanished, and I've lost sight of me. The world around me fades away.... cold and dark. Emptiness eats away at me.

     I could just smack my faggot right now. Calling me and asking me questions, then when I tell him, he's changing the words to something completely different than what I said. He thinks it's funny. I told him 4 times it was pissing me off and i wasn't in the mood for it, but he kept it up, so i hung up on him. Fuck it. He can call me back when he wants to have a discussion like a normal, intelligent human being.

     She sat at her computer, reading an article when she heard Type O Negative begin to play in the background. Her houseguest, sitting behind her on the couch had opened his music player on the laptop that lay straddled across his thighs. She had to chuckle and shake her head, returning her attention to the article. Odd how this virtual stranger had changed her life the last few months. An internet friendship spawned from a coincidental meeting in a chat room, a lost job, and a need for help, and of course she couldn't tell him no. She'd felt like she could trust him, and after moving in, he hadn't proved her wrong. Odd how the two would sit in the same room for hours on end now, both tinkering on the thing that had brought them together, and never speaking or looking at one another.

     It wasn't uncomfortable, though. The unspoken words hovered there simply had no need to be rushed. Neither was interested in a relationship, and both had their own things to deal with, or so she thought. It was when she heard Peter Steele's repeating of the phrase "Am I good enough for you?" when she felt the burning of eyes on the back of her neck. Unable to stop it, she glanced over her shoulder to see that he was, indeed, staring straight at her. Their eyes met, and his captured hers, holding them prisoner as the contraption was set to the side and he slowly lifted from the couch to approach her. As he stood, her eyes fell, unable to hold that gaze any longer......

     Dunno where that came from, but there it is. It wouldn't leave me alone, so now it's out and I can go back to what i was doing.

     Once upon a time there was a little girl. She smiled and laughed a lot. Sometimes her Dad scooped her up and carried her on his hip when they went fishing together. Then, one day, a darkness fell, and that little girl went from powder blue to midnight blue and the world was never the same again.

     I have no idea what's on my mind right now. I feel as cold and numb emotionally as I do physically. It's not the medication, this I know. I just don't know what it is. I'm so very tired.